Mood:
spaceyI just felt like writing for some reason. I'm not sure what I want to write about but I guess I'll just wing it.
Why do we torture ourselves?
It's like after a break up. You sit there and cry, and think about all the good times you had with the person. When you know these thoughts are only making it worse, making you cry even harder. And yet, we do it anyway.
Then instead of admitting to others that we're hurt, we completely deny it. And instead, we act angry. Because it is so much easier to be angry at the person, than to admit that you're hurt. So we'll see them walk by us, completely avoid eye contact and put on this angry face. Because we know they're looking. But you can't look them in the eye. You can't let them know how much you miss them, or how much they hurt you. So we build up all this anger to mask the pain that we are actually feeling. The pain that only shows when we are safely hidden inside the privacy of our own rooms.
At least, that's what I do.
I found one way to get around this. Which I know is not healthy and will probably make things worse for me in the long run. I don't let myself get too close to people. I'll start to like them, start to have feelings, think about trusting them. But as soon as I do that, and as soon as I think that they just might have the power to hurt me, I'll push them away. If someone has the ability to hurt me, I don't want to be around them. I put this wall up between myself and them. A thin wall, but just enough to know when I'm getting too close. I can't become vulnerable. And if I slip, and I do, I can't let them know. I need to prove to them that they can't hurt me. Even if they can.
Like with this most recent guy. I was fine and happy with the way everything was. But once I realized that I was getting too close, and that I may, in fact, get attached to this person, I had to push him away. Just a tiny bit. Just enough so that he no longer has the power to break my heart.
But am I lying to myself? Just now when the phone rang, I jumped up, still hoping it was him. Does the little space I put in between us really mean anything? Or is it just a lie I tell myself so that I'll feel I was never hurt?
But I recently read something about truth that my friend wrote. He believes that we can create our own truths. So does that mean if I tell myself enough that this person can't hurt me, I will believe it? And that, if he ever does, I really won't be hurt? Or am I just pretending because I don't want to admit that I'm hurt?
I can push all my feelings down, hide them somewhere so deep inside myself that I can't even see them. But that doesn't change the fact that they're still there. And at some point, they will rise to the surface. And I'll still have to deal with them, even then. Do we ever really let go of a person? Or do we just hide the memories from ourselves so we can't think about them, and make ourselves believe that they're not there at all?
Posted by bella7170
at 4:49 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 27 July 2005 4:54 PM EDT
quizzical
hug me